theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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