Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
so let's talk penis.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
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