I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
