Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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