Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
