I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Randomize
