you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
