If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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