Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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