I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
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