Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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