I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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