then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
