Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
