she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
he thought i was a dude.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
