I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
