Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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