i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
