THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize