Plan B is the new Plan A
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
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