Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
