my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
