We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
