Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
