my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
being pregnant is like rehab
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
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