He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
