I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
