trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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