woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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