Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Randomize
