But honestly u used to be a cool guy and lately uve been superame(734): Superlame
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
