bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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