I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize
