I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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