just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I have fence marks all over my body
Is this like a preordered booty call?
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
