Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
