There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
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