It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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