He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
My ass is underappreciated
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
