My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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