I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
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