Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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