OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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