she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
