Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Randomize
