this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
