Do vagina's smell?
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
