Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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