There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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