I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
