i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
