I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Shame - the story of my life.
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