Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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