I am puke
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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