i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
