Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Randomize
