sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Randomize
