Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
