The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize