my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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