I am midnight drunk by noon
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
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