You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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