Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
