If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
