Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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