Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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