My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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