Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
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