the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
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