I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
this beer tastes like vomit already
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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