i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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